Kiss My Ass And Call Me Beautiful

The ugliest otter in the FBA: Gary Trainwreck Ridge

Art by Pac

There are those in the FBA that are known for their looks—many for all the right reasons. After years of expressing his opinions with his fists, Gary Trainwreck (Fugly, One-Eye, Big Ugly) Ridge is known for his for all the wrong ones. He is considered perhaps the ugliest player in the league, having several scars, a crooked muzzle, and only one functional eye (he is blind in his left). His voice (thanks to damaged vocal cords) doesn't help.

He started training for basketball after a short career in pro wrestling (he left after only a couple years) and started out on the Rocky Mountain Royals and... pretty much went nowhere as poor management continued to undermine the team.

Frustration with the state of affairs saw him get into several barroom brawls, one of which left him permanently blinded in his left eye and muzzle broken. After spending time in the hospital, he beat himself back into shape, but he discovered his blinded eye was a serious handicap in basketball, and he worked hard in overcoming it, including forcing himself to play right-pawed (he is naturally left-pawed) so he's not dribbling on his blind side.

The team fortunes were looking up after the Royals were purchased by Acrutar Entertainment, but the damage was done. The team continued to struggle before being demoted to the D-League, and the players were sent to the newly-formed Winnipeg Voyageurs. Gary's career started looking up.

As of 2012, Gary is on the Albany Alphas, so his fortunes have improved—but he's turned down several opportunities to do likewise with his visage, saying It's the way people know me now. And well do they know him that way—in a recent poll about the best- and worst-looking players in the FBA, Gary beat out Steve Munt (a warthog) on the more unsightly side of the poll.

His catchphrase is Kiss my ass and call me beautiful!

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